Who Am I Supposed To Be?

What to do with my life?

Janis Joplin sang "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose,
Nothing don't mean nothing honey if it ain't free, now now."


I feel as if I am the wrong person.
This isn't my life.
I'm not supposed to be in college.
I have yet to lose everything and find no real purpose to my life.
What is my meaning?
& when will these questions be answered?


What am I doing to impact others?
What am I doing to help others?


I feel as if I have yet to have that life changing experience.
When will it happen?
Am I all I am doing is waiting?
To die?

& If I am, why not fill my life with ecstasy?
With things that make me laugh?
Make me happy?


This is not who I am supposed to be.
But Who Am I?



"now where is your god
does he hear your prayers
does he even care for you
his silence speaks loud and clear "

& all these thoughts from the inside out

I've learned that I have to tell myself to be happy and act happy. If I myself am more positive, the people and situations around me are more positive.

Half the summer is already over..

My Louisiana State University orientation was this past week. I practically did nothing for two days. I did learn a lot about the campus and where I can find things though. Other than that I made a mock schedule. Fun! I feel that just now summer has finally begun. The past month has been nothing but responsibilities and traveling. Now I am finally free. Right. I went to see my dad a couple of weeks ago. I was supposed to be there for two weeks, yet only stayed a week and a half. The total amount spent with him=prob two days. The only time we spent alone was a dinner that lasted 45 minutes and his wife called and they talked for about fifteen or twenty minutes. My stepsister was upset. Of course it doesn't mean anything that I see him three times a year. So I came home early obviously upset. It wasn't like we were going to spend anymore time together anyway.
A few days later Sean and I got into the biggest fight of our whole friendship. Fun. I told him to consider us done and packed all of his stuff in a box and left it on his bed. Complete with old notes and pictures. I then proceeded to go home and cry my eyes out until the next afternoon to which he was found on my doorstep crying his eyes out. Oh how everything is fixed so quickly with an I love you and I'm sorry. My heart melted none the less. Although our friendship is still rocky, we are trying.
After the fallout, Cheri, Lizzie, and myself took a road trip to Destin, Florida. That was an interesting four days. This trip then brings us back to Orientation. Did I mention I was with Kyle Nugent at orientation? He aggravates me more than anyone in the world, but he does bring up interesting conversation. Anyway, So I am finding myself not in a mid-life crisis but a pre mid-life crisis considering I am but 18. Mrs. Cockrum has ruined me. I cannot read anymore. Something I once felt so much passion for has dissipated before my eyes. I've tried so many books but cannot seem to find the time. Right now it is Alice in Wonderland in preparation for the new movie. I'm on page two. So what to do to pass the time? Stalk my best friend, eat cades, and oh yeah I work at a library! FML. The rest of the summer should be rather interesting.

I feel

slightly too inadequate for the world.

Transitioning

Being deeply involved with Mrs. Cockrum's English IV-AP class has made it almost impossible to do anything...blog, read, enjoy life, etc. So here I am. It is five days before Graduation Day, which is slightly odd to me. Growing up I would say four years until my drivers license!! One year! But I never counted down to Graduation. Truthfully, I'm scared as fuck. I have no real desire to go to college, yet I am attending on account of nothing better to do.
This little world I've created that revolves around high school is slowly crumbling. Although I am glad to have more time to myself, with my friends, and to read (My own books)! I will miss being around those "friends"-definiton: people you get along with, but you only hang out with when you're forced to be together, in institutions such as high school. And the odd teachers at East Ascension High School will of course be missed.
Sean and I are together as always. We're actually dating again, which is strange, but he makes me happy, for the most part. Nintendo 64 has been our latest obsesssion, Mario Party 3!!
This summer will consist of working, at my wonderful library, traveling with friends, and visiting my family. I cannot wait to dive into several classic novels this summer. But first I have to finish Wuthering Heights (lol). Aly has a trip to texas planned for us, to visit her Mexican family, and I am very excited! Cheri, Aly, Lizzie, and I are planning a girls camping trip. And also a Florida trip for Cheri's birthday. Sean may or may not come to Arkansas with me this summer, I haven't really asked him yet, and i'm slightly scared to. But I do miss my family like crazy. I'm afraid everything is going to be different now that papa is gone.
It's strange that four years have flown by so quickly. What will life be like in college? Will I change drastically? I feel that I still have several life lessons ahead of me, and a lot of growing up to do, which is terrifying.

Soon?

"Heart! We will forget him!
You and I -- tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave --
I will forget the light!

When you have done, pray tell me
That I may straight begin!
Haste! lest while you're lagging
I remember him!"

-Emily Dickinson

Homesick

I've come to find I'm not as strong as I put off to be. I miss my Grandpa like crazy, it seemed like no one could help me. I'm stuck in this rut. I'm so homesick right now I can't stand it, my dad, my family, everyone, I just want to be there. So erin wrote me a letter today, and it made me feel ten times better. Thank you.




Dear Mal,

Today you told me that you missed him, and i was struck with the helplessness of not being able to help you. But I do have something to tell you. Someone once said that a man is measured by the people he left on Earth who loved him. And he left you, you who loved him enough to miss him and mourn him, and think about him. So he must of been a great and wonderful man to have had someone such as you love him so much. Just know my friend, that he loves you too, that he looks down on you and smiles with pride for the beautiful woman you are, with joy for the kind soul you have, and love for the great person you are. Through you, he lives, through you, we know him. Know that he loves you, and that there are always friends out there for you who love and cherish you.

Always here,
Erin Lee

=]

"The complexity embedded in the different levels of meaning that go along with the words "I love you" ought to be a whole mindfuck of a video game, if anyone ever wanted to develop the concept."


-Naomi & Ely

The Movie

SO much to say so little time. The movie was pretty good. I was so ecstatic when I heard main lines. But a couple of times I actually thought,"wow, this is bad acting." I was being pretty analytical though. When I read it in the book, it was sweet and beautiful, but actually seeing it on film, was extremely cheesy. Although, Edward was a vision. When the Cullens walked into the cafeteria for the first time the whole theater gasped. He was flawless. Bella was flawless. I'm so proud of the cast. I just wished everything wasn't as rushed. They needed more time for Edward and Bella's relationship to develop. Hopefully I will see it again soon!! Got to go to work, more later.


<3

Engulf Me

I have so much to say, yet so little time. Have you ever met someone that makes you feel so complete when your around them? I want to live, not drone or dwell. Going day to day and all I feel is nothing. What is wrong with me he asks? and yet I have no answer. But there is and I cannot explain it. So I do not talk, I stare, wondering how people live their lives differently than me. A drug, the yearning building up and over and incomplete. Spreads throughout my body, every inch covered , yet it is never enough. Why? Why? Why is it never enough? Just sedate me, to escape myself. Finally I will be free, but only momentarily, but for that sweet hour of laughing and hugging. Is it worth it? Then drained of all feeling. Shouting but still no one hears. Above all voices, mine is silenced and caged, and all I do is stare. Life will soon be over, bear with it. But for that joyous hour, live it. I wish every moment is this useless nothingness was as that sweet hour.

I tried to do handstands for you..

So i'm currently bored with the music I have and am searching whole heartedly for new stuff.

crawling up
crawling out
it will not come
it stays
bottled up
within myself

my best friend

is way more awesome than yours. So tonight was amazing beyond amazing, Sarah seemed to seal the deal by dating sean. Our friendship is becoming so much better, and its only been two days.! I think i just have a completely different attitude towards him now, that he has a girlfriend. It AWESOME. He suprised me with tickets to nick and norah along with the trip in gas to the movie theater and a dinner to boot. HES AMAZING. If you don't know sean, you may not know the big deal, but if you do know him,then you would know how extrordinary weird or strange this is. Nonetheless, Congrats to me! My hearts feeling much better tonight. Welcome back the best badasss duo ever! lol

i luhhh yoooo seanay.

Have I mentioned...

That I am completely opposed to school right now? I do not know why, but I have to desire to learn or even be at the institution. It is horrible. I hate going, seeing as it is completely pointless for me right now. It really is, I need none of the classes I am taking.

Everytime I'm feeling extremely depressed I'm going to start thinking "Woe is me." I was depressed, and I just thought that, and it made me feel extremely stupid, and then I laughed.

In awe.

I am currently in Jonesboro, Arkansas visting my father!!! I'm so excited. I love it here and I miss my family so much, even though they are a little for lack of a better word incompetent sometimes. So we drove up last night, my dad came all the way to Louisiana. Well, on the way home, we stopped at Arby's. It was around two o'clock in the morning I believe. My stepsitster stated that she was voting for McCain, and that she hated Obama and I replied with Why? She made a statement that Obama was "A christian that believed in Abortion." She just thought that was horrid, and she said "I don't understand how you can be a Christian and agree with Abortion.." I'm really not much for politics, I do not like discussing them, because I always feel that people are going to look at me like I'm stupid because i'm only seventeen, or I will end up saying something stupid and that will contribute to the mindset "She's just a youngin, she doesn't know anything." And I personally hate that label. Anyway, to which I replied, "I believe in God, yet I still think abortion is okay in some instances." You should have seen the looks I got from my own father and my sister. After that, my dad just had to chime it, telling me bible verse after bible verse. I said "Well dad, you were just talking about getting drunk in Mexico an hour ago..The bible says 'don't drink to excess' " to which he replied "Yes, and I was wrong for doing that"--talking about the act of getting drunk. Well, I personally believe that if you think something it TRULY wrong, then why boast about it? Because thats what he was doing, he was boasting about drinking in Mexico. Why be proud of your sin? Yet he sat right across from the table and told me it was wrong and that abortion was wrong. After that little conversation we were on the road again, and as I was listening to some Coheed, I kept thinking about this conversation. After I said that I believed in abortion in some instances they both gawked at me and started arguing with, did not even ask me why or how or anything. I think God has blessed me with an open mind. I'm so happy that I am open and able to listen to other people, and try to understand things from their perspective, I truly am blessed. I only ask that I can work on this, and try to be more open minded, yet still voice my own opinion without sounding pushy or be annoying. I'm very grateful for the way I was raised, with my mother, who instilled in me to be this way, unlike my father. I know this is going to sound bad, because I am happy they reproduced to make me =] but sometimes I do not understand how she fell in love with this man. But I think everyone has that family or family member, that is close minded and it always has to be their own way. In my case, its just my dads whole side of the family...

"Show me how to lie"

First of all, I just want to say that I really like the Offspring's new hit "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid." Its got their old feel, but at the same time still up to date. It is Sunday, August 31st, 2008. Gustav is supposed to be here soon. Mom and I have spent the day getting the house in order. Lizzies parents talked about going to Arkansas during the hurricane, they have a cabin only a few hours from my dads. I begged and begged them to take me with them. They said I could go, if they went, but guess what? They're not going. I'm out of luck. I've been really missing my dad a lot lately. I'm not sure if its just because mom is dating or if I'm going through this stage, but either way. Lizzie said the other day "It's only been like a month and a half since you last saw him." I don't know why, but that kind of hurt. I mean most kids see their father everyday, or at least every other week, in Seans case. B¨t I'm stuck with my dad living nine hours away...Moving on. We're "dog-sitting" for Mike, moms boyfriend...I know, weird. Anyway, I love it, I'm trying to talk her into letting me have a pup. I recently saw The Rocker in theaters. Jack Black would have been better for the lead, but i still enjoyed it. Friday, during the day, Courtney and Cara and myself had our movie day, which was awesome!! We watched Disturbia first and then Fight Club and lastly House of a 1000 Corpses, which is a Rob Zombie film. I've never seen it until Friday, but I rather enjoyed it, even though I'm not used to "horror movies." It had the same guy from The Rocker, which I believe is the same guy from The Office, but I'm not completely sure. Over all the Corpse movie was pretty funny. Cara plans on being Baby, for those of you who have seen it, for halloween. I also saw Babylon A.D. Friday night, which was a good movie...I guess. Okay, I'm off to watch the Sound of Music and play with the dogs.



P.S. I love my mac and everyone stay safe during the hurricane, as if your not going to try, still it makes me feel better to say it.

Boredom is sometimes inescapable.

Your Life as a Movie


1. Open up your mp3 player or itunes, or any music player.


2. Put it on shuffle...its awesome.




Opening Credits: Feed Us- Serj Tankien


Waking Up: Liquid- Jars of Clay


First Day of School: Duality- Slipknot


Fight Song: There for you- Flyleaf


Breaking Up: Higher- Creed


Prom:Skies Homesick at Space Camp- Fall Out Boy


Mental Breakdown: Fat Bottomed Girls- Queen


Driving: You Eclipsed By Me- Atreyu


Flashback: Prayer of the Refugee- Rise Against


Getting it Together: Maybe Someday- Black Stone Cherry


Wedding: Razor- DecembeRadio


First Child: Burritos- Sublime


Final Battle: You'll Always Be My Best Friend- Relient K


Death Scene: What's Going On- Marvin Gaye


Funeral Song: Green River- Creedence Clearwater Revival


End Credits: Goodbye for Now- P.O.D.

Cruelest Dream: Reality.

I like to watch my hair float in water.

Post Secret is Amazing..