Who Am I Supposed To Be?

What to do with my life?

Janis Joplin sang "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose,
Nothing don't mean nothing honey if it ain't free, now now."


I feel as if I am the wrong person.
This isn't my life.
I'm not supposed to be in college.
I have yet to lose everything and find no real purpose to my life.
What is my meaning?
& when will these questions be answered?


What am I doing to impact others?
What am I doing to help others?


I feel as if I have yet to have that life changing experience.
When will it happen?
Am I all I am doing is waiting?
To die?

& If I am, why not fill my life with ecstasy?
With things that make me laugh?
Make me happy?


This is not who I am supposed to be.
But Who Am I?



"now where is your god
does he hear your prayers
does he even care for you
his silence speaks loud and clear "

& all these thoughts from the inside out

I've learned that I have to tell myself to be happy and act happy. If I myself am more positive, the people and situations around me are more positive.

Half the summer is already over..

My Louisiana State University orientation was this past week. I practically did nothing for two days. I did learn a lot about the campus and where I can find things though. Other than that I made a mock schedule. Fun! I feel that just now summer has finally begun. The past month has been nothing but responsibilities and traveling. Now I am finally free. Right. I went to see my dad a couple of weeks ago. I was supposed to be there for two weeks, yet only stayed a week and a half. The total amount spent with him=prob two days. The only time we spent alone was a dinner that lasted 45 minutes and his wife called and they talked for about fifteen or twenty minutes. My stepsister was upset. Of course it doesn't mean anything that I see him three times a year. So I came home early obviously upset. It wasn't like we were going to spend anymore time together anyway.
A few days later Sean and I got into the biggest fight of our whole friendship. Fun. I told him to consider us done and packed all of his stuff in a box and left it on his bed. Complete with old notes and pictures. I then proceeded to go home and cry my eyes out until the next afternoon to which he was found on my doorstep crying his eyes out. Oh how everything is fixed so quickly with an I love you and I'm sorry. My heart melted none the less. Although our friendship is still rocky, we are trying.
After the fallout, Cheri, Lizzie, and myself took a road trip to Destin, Florida. That was an interesting four days. This trip then brings us back to Orientation. Did I mention I was with Kyle Nugent at orientation? He aggravates me more than anyone in the world, but he does bring up interesting conversation. Anyway, So I am finding myself not in a mid-life crisis but a pre mid-life crisis considering I am but 18. Mrs. Cockrum has ruined me. I cannot read anymore. Something I once felt so much passion for has dissipated before my eyes. I've tried so many books but cannot seem to find the time. Right now it is Alice in Wonderland in preparation for the new movie. I'm on page two. So what to do to pass the time? Stalk my best friend, eat cades, and oh yeah I work at a library! FML. The rest of the summer should be rather interesting.

I feel

slightly too inadequate for the world.

Transitioning

Being deeply involved with Mrs. Cockrum's English IV-AP class has made it almost impossible to do anything...blog, read, enjoy life, etc. So here I am. It is five days before Graduation Day, which is slightly odd to me. Growing up I would say four years until my drivers license!! One year! But I never counted down to Graduation. Truthfully, I'm scared as fuck. I have no real desire to go to college, yet I am attending on account of nothing better to do.
This little world I've created that revolves around high school is slowly crumbling. Although I am glad to have more time to myself, with my friends, and to read (My own books)! I will miss being around those "friends"-definiton: people you get along with, but you only hang out with when you're forced to be together, in institutions such as high school. And the odd teachers at East Ascension High School will of course be missed.
Sean and I are together as always. We're actually dating again, which is strange, but he makes me happy, for the most part. Nintendo 64 has been our latest obsesssion, Mario Party 3!!
This summer will consist of working, at my wonderful library, traveling with friends, and visiting my family. I cannot wait to dive into several classic novels this summer. But first I have to finish Wuthering Heights (lol). Aly has a trip to texas planned for us, to visit her Mexican family, and I am very excited! Cheri, Aly, Lizzie, and I are planning a girls camping trip. And also a Florida trip for Cheri's birthday. Sean may or may not come to Arkansas with me this summer, I haven't really asked him yet, and i'm slightly scared to. But I do miss my family like crazy. I'm afraid everything is going to be different now that papa is gone.
It's strange that four years have flown by so quickly. What will life be like in college? Will I change drastically? I feel that I still have several life lessons ahead of me, and a lot of growing up to do, which is terrifying.

Soon?

"Heart! We will forget him!
You and I -- tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave --
I will forget the light!

When you have done, pray tell me
That I may straight begin!
Haste! lest while you're lagging
I remember him!"

-Emily Dickinson

Homesick

I've come to find I'm not as strong as I put off to be. I miss my Grandpa like crazy, it seemed like no one could help me. I'm stuck in this rut. I'm so homesick right now I can't stand it, my dad, my family, everyone, I just want to be there. So erin wrote me a letter today, and it made me feel ten times better. Thank you.




Dear Mal,

Today you told me that you missed him, and i was struck with the helplessness of not being able to help you. But I do have something to tell you. Someone once said that a man is measured by the people he left on Earth who loved him. And he left you, you who loved him enough to miss him and mourn him, and think about him. So he must of been a great and wonderful man to have had someone such as you love him so much. Just know my friend, that he loves you too, that he looks down on you and smiles with pride for the beautiful woman you are, with joy for the kind soul you have, and love for the great person you are. Through you, he lives, through you, we know him. Know that he loves you, and that there are always friends out there for you who love and cherish you.

Always here,
Erin Lee